Tag Archives: Divorce

Real Promises for a Lasting Marriage

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Robby and I recited our vows in March 2011. (Photo credit: Lindsay Osborne Photography.)

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Fantasy

Music fills the church. A hush descends as guests take to their feet. The church doors open, revealing the bride in glistening white. She clutches a bouquet of red roses…no, make that yellow tulips flown in from Holland that very morning. The groom’s eyes glisten as he takes in the image of his beautiful bride.

Holding hands, the couple repeats time-honored vows. They quickly promise to love and keep one another for better or worse, for richer or poorer, in sickness and health, forsaking all others, for as long as they both shall live.

After sharing a passionate (but church-appropriate) kiss, they burst out of the building in a shower of flower petals and confetti, and ride off in the sunset toward their fabulous honeymoon destination.

The credits roll.

 

Reality

Thanks to the romanticism of movies and TV, that’s how most of us envision weddings. This image is reinforced by a gazillion posts on Facebook, Instagram, and Pinterest, all subtly promising enduring happiness if we can only find the right combination of gowns, flowers, music, and cake. Perhaps that’s why the average cost of a wedding, reception, and honeymoon is over $28,000.[1] (And we’re still coming out of a recession!)

No matter how fantastic the wedding day is, it only lasts a day. It is suddenly replaced with the reality of married life. For many of us, that reality is a joyful partnership, filled with love and laughter that help get us through the rough patches of life. But for others, the reality doesn’t live up to the fantasy. Perhaps that’s a big reason why so many marriages end in divorce.

I can’t help but think that couples would be better prepared for marriage if they had just a dose of reality before the wedding day. That’s why I’d like to propose a change—not to TV shows or social media posts (Rom Coms and pins about color palettes all have their place). No, I’d like to expand those wedding vows.

 

Revised Wedding Vows

Instead of the sing-song words that we repeat but don’t take to heart, what if the bride and groom had to make real promises to one another—promises to love in spite of issues, to forgive when necessary, and to stay together no matter what? What if we packed our vows with Scripture, such as Ephesians 5:22-33, 1 Corinthians 13:13, and Galatians 5:22-23?

The following is an example of what that could look like.

I, [Bride and Groom], promise:

  • To prioritize God first, you second, and myself third.
  • To encourage you to grow closer to the Lord.
  • To accept you just as you are, with all your flaws (which may become more apparent over time).
  • To forgive you completely of all past, current, and future wrong-doings, then put it behind me and move on.
  • To take care of you when you’re sick, even if it makes me sick.
  • To stay with you, even if (God forbid) you become disabled in any way.
  • To have eyes only for you, even when you’re old and no longer sexy.
  • To cherish you, even if you can’t give me the kids I’ve always dreamed of.
  • To respect you, never speaking discouraging or belittling words to you.
  • To always be lovingly honest with you.
  • To make all effort to live in peace and harmony with you.

 

There would also be vows specific to the bride and groom.

I, [Bride], promise:

  • To submit to you as the Church submits to Christ, even when it’s difficult or it doesn’t make sense at the time.
  • To let you take the lead, even when I think I know a faster, better way.

I, [Groom], promise:

  • To love you as Christ loves the Church, being willing to sacrifice myself completely for your well-being.
  • To help you pursue the call God has for your life, even if I have to make sacrifices for a season, such as doing all the “girly stuff,” like cooking and cleaning.

 

Once the vows are exchanged, the new married couple share a kiss, have cake, and dance all night! (This is a wedding celebration, after all.)

 

A Good Start

If all marriages in the Christian church started out with these vows—with real promises—would it refocus the emphasis from the fantasy of the wedding day to the reality of married life? Would it really make a difference on the quality of a marriage or its lasting success?

I don’t know. But I am certain that it’s a good start.

[1] “Wedding Cost Statistics” – Statistic Brain.” 2017 Statistic Brain Research Institute, publishing as Statistic Brain. 5/17/17. http://www.statisticbrain.com/average-costs-of-an-american-wedding

Girls with Gusto: A Clean Heart

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Photo by Ashley Jones, 2016.

 

I’ve been writing a book for young women called Girls with Gusto. It’s about our mission as Christians and the eight major steps we take on our spiritual journey.

With each chapter, God has been working on me, pulling me closer to Him. It’s a wonderful reminder that I serve a living God who is interested in my well-being and desires an intimate relationship with me. But that kind of growth often brings growing pains.

 

A Clean Heart

Step One in the Christian journey is A Clean Heart. In this step, we learn that we’re sinners in need of saving. We discover God and accept His mercy and the sacrifice of Jesus. Then, God’s Spirit comes into our heart and cleans it out, making us new.

Eventually, we mess up. Like the prodigal son, we seek after the flashy, sexy things of this world, and we lose touch with the deep and meaningful ways of God (see Luke 15). If we’re to hold onto our faith, we have to come back to God and seek forgiveness. Then, He goes to work cleaning out our hearts again.

That’s the raw truth, a summation of Scripture. My own experience is harder to tell.

 

My Story

I always believed in God, even as a small child. I never had a true conversion experience, other than my baptism at age 13. I remember the feeling of a clean heart, white as snow.

At some point in my teens, I started going off-trail, detouring from the path God had outlined for me. When my grandmother passed away when I was 21, I didn’t know how to handle it. I was overcome with grief and depression for years, and I didn’t know how to rely on God. Instead, I got married so I would have someone to lean on. Of course, that didn’t work out, and I found myself divorced at 24 years old.

Robby and I have been married for five years. I now have the love, friendship, and security I searched for as a young woman. And I know that God is the one who provides us with all things—whether directly or through other people. I thank Him every day for what He’s given me.

Because of that, I tend to forget about my past and just focus on the present and look forward to the future. It sounds healthy, but it’s not always helpful. When I was writing about Step One, A Clean Heart, God showed me that He can use my past for His glory. It can be an important part of my testimony, and I shouldn’t deny it or shy away from it.

 

An Excerpt

So, I rewrote that first section. I still included the meat of Scripture but, this time, I told it from experience. I trust this honesty and transparency will resonate with readers; that it will show them what faith looks like in real life.

Here’s an excerpt from my manuscript:

Because of this situation, I know a few things I wouldn’t know otherwise. For example, I can tell you that the loneliest place on earth is inside a broken marriage. The hardest thing to hear is “I don’t love you,” even when you realize you really don’t love that person, either. And, even in the 21st Century, there is a stigma to divorce that follows you wherever you go, especially church. 

At twenty-four, I was the prodigal daughter. I had to humble myself, crawl back to my Father God, and ask for forgiveness. I had to come back here, to Step One, A Clean Heart…. 

In [Luke 15], we see that the father loves his son because he is compassionate and merciful. In the same way, God loves us because of who He is. It has nothing to do with our own efforts, no matter how domestic or diva they may be. This is great news, because it also means that He loves us even when our efforts fail. Even through grief, mistakes, and divorce. 

Our value, then, is not determined by what we do but by the God who values us.

 

Your Testimony

If you’ve tucked away your past mistakes, I want you to know that God still sees them. If you haven’t asked for forgiveness, then do so today. Start your life anew with a Clean Heart before the Lord.

If you’ve already received forgiveness, then there’s no need to hide what has been forgiven. Let the Lord show you how and when to share your story so that it can bless others and bring Him glory.

I’ll be honest with you: it’s not easy to share something painful. But I can assure you that it’s worth it, to live free of the past and to encourage others to do the same.